My Journey - Part 2
When a child in born, what runs through each parents mind?
Is the baby ok?
Is there anything wrong?
Fast forward 10-15 years and what runs though your mind now?
Have they done their homework?
Where are they on Friday night/ evening?
Why won't they clean their room?
At what age do our kids start to push our buttons?
When do they become a burden to us?
In my last post, I talked about three specific memories that happened in my childhood. Here, I'm going to share what impact this had on me as a young adult and what I did to let go.
The Dinner Date - Follow Up
I was so alone. Lonely.
I found it impossible to make friends because I never knew (with certainty) that if I told them anything about my life, that it wouldn’t end up on the front page of the school gossip pages. I knew lots of people at school but never spent any more time with them than I needed. I was really uncomfortable in creating deep lasting friendship bonds and much preferred to keep superficial friendships. If I don't let people in… they can't hurt me.
I was glad when I could start work, it allowed me to speak with people at the weekend. I naturally fell into sales roles as I was so desperate to speak with people. By this point I was a master at the superficial relationships and could quickly and easily make people feel comfortable around me.
The only people that I ever let close to me were the people that I was dating. When things didn't work out, I was beyond devastated and plagued with fear about all of the stuff that they could tell people about me.
It was only when I was in my late 20's that came to realise that there were more interesting things to talk about than me. I surrounded myself with people that DIDN'T indulge in gossip. People who would be more likely to keep my secrets. And with time, I started to believe that I could trust people again and that when I DID let them in, my world wouldn't come crashing down.
In fact, writing this blog makes me twitch a little.
The Malteser Masher - Follow - Up
When things got tough, I knew that I could have my families support. It's what kept me going. It’s what kept me strong.
After this incident, I really thought that my parents could reignite their light.
I was wrong.
They would both be there when the big things happened. However more often than not it would be my Mum who would be there picking up the pieces with me.
My Dad played several roles within my life, including being the person who inspired me to be successful and to have my eyes on the top, not the bottom.
Interestingly, my parents were rarely on the same time. Which meant picking a side was always difficult. Whichever one I chose was always the wrong one.
I grew up to be tough. Resilient. When the shit hit the fan, I knew where I could find the fighters help me.
I was comfortable in being in uncomfortable situations because if I was ever out of my depth, I knew people who could help me swim.
This one, I still carry with me. It's one of my traits that my hubby loves most about me.
I'm not afraid to jump two feet in to something. I'm not afraid to do something. If it doesn’t work, I've got my family around to support me.
In return I support them in ways that they didn't think possible. I remember when my mother in law was taken into hospital with a suspected heart attack. She had a falconry experience booked with a "no refunds, no returns, no changes" policy. It took me a grand total of 12 minutes to get her a refund in place of her experience. Two other people had tried before me. I have to admit, I was offended that I wasn't number one on her list… I still love her though.
Girls Playing Football - Follow-Up
Every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't see the person I thought I was. I used to wear my hair tight back so that I didn't look girly.
I adopted masculine mannerisms in both how I spoke and in my directness of asking questions.
I stood out like a sore thumb. I didn’t mind being different, I was different. There were girls that I was desperately attracted to at school and I would avoid them to stop the feelings from developing. I found some effeminate men to hang round with whose different energy matched my own.
The "boys" boys saw me as strange, boyish and constantly cracked jokes at my expense. I was an easy target.
I was desperate to be accepted and got a boyfriend when I was 14/15. He was so controlling and manipulative and he reminded me of my father. I felt that I knew what I was doing with him. We would laugh and joke and in those moments I felt normal and accepted. When he didn't get his way, he belittled and attacked… I recognise now that I was reliving the cycle of my parents.
Whilst at Uni, I felt that I could be ME at whole new and deeper level and enjoyed my experimentation with, well… everything. I learnt so much about myself! I didn't need to be the manly girl with masculine mannerisms anymore and slowly but surely my beliefs started to be shaken.
I remember so clearly meeting a Canadian PhD student who played Rugby… and was married to a man. WHAT IS THIS?! She is just like me… but not…
She talked freely about meeting her hubby and the acceptance that they gave each other for their pasts, mannerisms and the future that they wanted to create for each other, and with each other. I started to realise that I could be attracted to anyone, male or female, and that was ok - it was their energy that I was attracted to.
(And yes I did realise that I like effeminate men then… or metrosexual which we called them at the time)
So me, where did I end up with my sports… I'll just go straight to the point - I ended up playing rugby in the Championship 2 which at the time was the fourth tier of women's rugby in the UK.
I married a man who would doesn't describe himself as masculine at all - although I think that he's the most masculine man that I have ever met. I love him desperately. Had he been a woman, would I have loved him the same? Hell Yes!